well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
the condom got lost in my hair
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
