girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
