I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
