I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
