I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
