I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize