I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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