I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
