you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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