just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
