Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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