Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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