Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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