I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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