Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
