I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
