but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize