I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
