you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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