Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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