Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
