Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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