What did we do last night that was yellow?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
