also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
