3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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