i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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