my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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