fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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