I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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