I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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