Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
