Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
