I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
