Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize