i can't believe i had my finger in that
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize