When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Randomize
