the condom got lost in my hair
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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