ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
