im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
