I met the friendliest cop last night
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
