oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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