dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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