dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
