i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
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