when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
