This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
