there's paper in my vomit.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
