Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
