Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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