I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
