Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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