Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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