Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
