yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
