My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize