im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
