Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
