I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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