Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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