Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Floor bacon is actually really good
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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