Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize