Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
