I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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