Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
